Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Satan's eye

I remember when my thoughts were like yours. Before this madness gripped me. When mornings were ripe with rich bubbling caffeine, and no thoughts of evil crossed my mind.

It grew so slowly. I barely even noticed the day it began. The espresso maker sputtered an innocent gurgle, like a baby trying to sing along with momma. The sound of the coffee bleeding through the rotten O-ring was inaugible over the happy bubbling of completed espresso, sitting in that solid, yea friendly, Turkish boiler. How alike the sound of joyous completion and oncoming evil.

But on that day an evil entered the house. It seized the roommates and sent them out in search of replacement O-rings. Oh how I constantly wish that they could have bought the correct size. But nO! The O-rings would not nestle in the Turkish cauldron.

The packages lay for days in the middle of the island, staring at me with every meal. One evening I thought that they were gone for good, but I gasped as I opened the cutlery drawer and found them standing stubbornly between me and the knives. Gingerly I threw them back to the counter, hoping they would find a better place to live, but they had found an affinity for the drawer.

I fought through daily to my knives and forks, until one day I devised a cunning plan. I removed the rings from the kitchen, and hid them in a drawer in the living room. Perhaps the source of the power was the kitchen itself?

Giddily I danced about the house for a week. Oh what jOy! The weights hooked into my heart slid free. My pleasure was so great, I forgot about the devilish rubber rings. They were gone for so long. I neglected them, thought nothing more of them, ceased to control them. Months went by. I payed them no attention.

hsssssss. Such a simple sound. What sane man could be afraid of it. Not a breath of fear did I feel as coffee sprayed small bubbles over the stove. But inevitably they were back, taunting me from the island.

Madness took me. No! I cried. I shall never write a passive-agrressive fridge note. I did not recognize the man with the dry erase marker in his hand.

What had I done? I fled the house and tried to keep the evil away by thundering drums and screeching guitars. I could never have imagined what would await me when I returned home.

The mark on the door loomed ominously.

Every corner of the kitchen was covered in terrifying toroids.

I fled screaming up the stairs, straight in to the trap.

My sanity is no more.


Nature Nerd said...

Random and hilarious. Anne always talks about a little shop on Commercial drive somewhere where an old Italian man has hundreds of boxes of espresso machine O-rings. If you bring your ring in, he'll spend 10 minutes looking through boxes to find the right size for you. Or your roomies could go and by lots and lots of them for torture purposes too.

Nature Nerd said...

La Grotta is the shop. A visit will curb any further psychotic episodes (like this blog posting) and get your coffee routine back on track. Plus they have great cheese.

(c/o NN)